comedy writing
The Onion
The Onion is a name and faceless brand made up of incredibly talented full-time staff writers and weekly contributors. I am a weekly contributor to the features section and may or may not have had dozens of jokes purchased for sections of the site such as this.
Reductress
viral headlines
Featured on Reductress merch.
Featured on Reductress merch.
I wrote this headline, not the article. Reductress merch.
full narative peice
Pigeon Walking With Grace but Also Strength
Middle Aged Man Finally Stops Playing Games
Do You Really Need The Hiking Sticks or Do You Just Wanna Make This Walk Look Harder?
Wow! The Old Lady Who Lives in a Shoe Has a Washer Dryer in There
Woman Most Confident Dressed in Billowy Slab of Loose Fabric
Sad! No One RSVP-ed to Man's Party
How To Manifest Cinammon Rolls Right Now
Giraffe Insecure He Only Gets Laid Cause He’s 20 Feet Tall
Report: Christmas Music Mostly Jazz
Uh Oh! Greg Responded to Nude With ‘Neato’
How to Walk With Confidence From Your Bedroom to the Kitchen
Jealous? This Dog’s Room is Clean
When You See How Much Weight This Celebrity Has Lost You’re Gonna Throw Your Uncle Down The Stairs
Protect Yourself From the Sun By Resting Under All of Lisa’s Shade
Get Him to Notice You by Commenting ‘I Am Your Overlord Now’ on All His Instagram Posts
Suspicious? This Cat Knows All the Lyrics to ‘I Write Sins Not Tragedies’ by Panic! At The Disco
headlines
Points in Case
Everyone Is Focusing on Me Dressing as a Grannie to Steal the Vaccine and Not on My Sick-Ass Costume
The Comments Section of a Wholesome Video of a Puppy and a Baby
An Open Letter of Gratitude to My Anxiety
List: A Day in the Life of a Hollywood Assistant in Quarantine
New York City's Most Unpowerful Couples
I Am Your Smartphone Sitting in a Bag of Rice